Archive for September, 2006


I’m going to try and remember this blog more often, as I have been asked to do.

This morning I got kicked out of Pentateuch class. Simply because I missed the exam Friday, and the makeup time was during class this morning, except I haven’t had time to study. So I’m skipping the first part of ethics class today and retaking the exam. Here’s hoping my prof’s will semi-understand.

Now back to studying.


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A Circus Spectacular

Headphones in. Eyes open. Observe.

Life moves around, a circus of freaks who know it and freaks unaware. We are all a bit freaky, lost within ourselves, running from things and running to things and disguising it all as best we know how.

The song that moves my eardrums now is called Soir De Fete and I have no clue what it means but it brings such life to this coffeeshop – tinting my observations with optimism that might not be true in reality. She is not lonely, she is content. He is not tired of the drudgery of a job that seemed so much more enticing, he is working through an obstacle in his head – the very reason this job is perfect for him. They do not all style their hair similarly because they are each trying to stick out, no each of them just happens to enjoy the fun of making their hair look like that.

The art on display here is pricey – 210 for a mirror made of smaller, broken mirrors? It’s questionable, but her overall talent isn’t. Just from looking at the art on display here, she has not pigeonholed herself, she is not trying to be “this type” of artist. Instead she is exploring beauty, finding it too, and allowing whichever medium necessary to be the carrier.

Life is simply too big. Reaching into every facet of it is a worthy but impossible goal.

As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
or if due to strength, eighty years

So says Moses in his Psalm of Prayer (90), and I find it so true. I desire to live, to find out, to know, to understand, to learn. With each successive day it becomes a more overwhelming desire.

But I also desire to be above reproach, to do things well, to set or match the standard, to go above and beyond. And it is in this, where the reality is real, that I hit the wall.

Because as with all things important, maybe this is mostly about a girl. And the fact that I paint things so optimistically when maybe they aren’t? And I’ve found beauty but have I understood it? And in the name of living, am I’m rushing through? These questions express themselves, these questions eat me alive, and no right answers are to be had – advice comes from all sides but wisdom escapes.

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It is an odd conundrum in life that you must spend money to make money. Especially when attempting to make your own business. I desire to make money, it’s nice to have and it’s nice to spend and I hear it is necessary to live.

Unfortunately I lack the necessary funds to have the items needed to make that money. See in the wedding videography business, you don’t just need a camera. You need a couple microphones and a good tripod and a couple batteries and a light and a shoulder mount. Then you can film weddings and have good quality all around.

If i can figure out my finances (it looks like i may have a part time job for Summit Ministries, but I’m not sure yet), then I’m getting close to taking out a loan again, to buy a Camera. Then I could make films and short movies whenever I wanted, and not rely on the schools’ one camera.

But I don’t know. I just don’t know. Which camera to buy? Is it worth it? Do I really want to go $5grand in debt while I’m in school, in a non-educational loan. It remains to be seen.

But I really want a good camera. And it’s driving me insane.

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