I like the fact that this blog is an inconvenience for friends. They have to intentionally desire to read what I write in order to make it here. It makes me more honest, it allows me that much more freedom.
I just returned from the road trip. I would hope that it is not the last great road trip I take, but for the time being, it is the road trip.
nine days, forty-nine hundred miles, six or seven states… it was pretty intense. drew and I left last saturday at 6am, arrived in san diego sunday night at 11. the next 5 days were the best this year so far, and there is no contest.
until the day i die, i will laugh at how true the verse is that says (paraphrased) man makes plans but God decides the future. as a dreamer I am prone to pre-live events that are soon to happen – so I can better be prepared. kyla got to hear my thoughts regarding the trip to san diego, and encouraged me to repeat them to their intended audience. but the time arrived and the thoughts formed no words. it was better that way.
i had intentions, hopes… maybe just fantasies as i prepared to drive out. reality tends not to impede on desires when they are still in infancy, and so it was with mine. i knew how the words would sound, how my audience would react, how the moment would be tender and sweet.
the moment never came, and neither did the words. there were moments in the week that were tender and sweet, but of a different sort. honestly i thank God that those words never rolled off my tongue, one, because it’s much too soon for me (even now, i am scared), and two, because it would have introduced an awkwardness to the trip that was entirely unnecessary.
as the trip ends i realize now that i didn’t miss out. nothing that had any chance of lasting started, and everything that might always be, was furthered. and my heart was refreshed and soothed in the tiny things, like the way she hugged me “without worrying about letting go,” or by her encouragements regarding my passions, or the fact that she liked sitting by me in the car as much as i enjoyed having her there. those things that could have been missed, now stand out so clearly.
so i’m home, and she’s a friend that i will greatly treasure. and what she has yet to find out (although i’ll tell her) is that she is one of two in my life who are the standard. i saw in her eyes and smile and passions and words and desires so many things that ring familiar – the right mix of familiarity and mystery – an enticing mix that means should we have more opportunities “to become,” we would find things to talk about for days. and i’ve always treasured honest conversation much more than things that seem so easy. to find someones lips with your own is a simple journey, to find someones heart is a never-ending adventure.
I do not know when the search will begin again. even in my head now, with the crushes i entertain at times, i am laughably fearful of what might happen. upon the arrival of that time, or upon a crush that doesn’t scare me though, i have it clear in my head what she’ll be up against. it’s not an easy standard to match because i do not have the kind of friends that are easy to find.
i have the priceless friends, the type worth driving 3 or 5 or 7 (i’m not really sure, i didn’t count) hours out of the way to see for 2 hours, and the type worth driving 30 hours just to spend face to face quality time with. There’s even more to add, but not now.